We Bought Our Son an Electric Chair.
If you have read the blog before, or have ever talked to me for more than twelve minutes, then you probably know that I still like superheroes and, also, I can sometimes be inappropriate. (These are the kind of shocking, personal revelations that great blogs are made of. Sit up and take notice, internet.)
So basically, it would take a lot for a superhero to offend my sensibilities. But if anyone would, it figures it would be Batman.
The hero we deserve.
Most everyone should know that the new Batman flick — the porn-sounding The Dark Knight Rises — comes out this month. (This is an unintentionally pervy-sounding sentence. After reading it, neuroscience says you probably think that Batman has a gay erection. And also, that I am a bigger geek than you previously thought. I could probably just edit the sentence. But this is raw, real parent blogging on Always Jacked. Deal.)
Anyway, with a new movie comes a freighter load of new merchandise. T-shirts. Underpants. Miniature utility belts. Officially-licensed marbles you can hold in your mouth so you can sound just like Bane when you talk.
They also made this cute little jail. To go with the other cute little Batman toys. Like the Batcave. And Joker’s Funhouse. (I prefer the comic book name, the Ha-Ha-Hacienda. I didn’t even have to Google that.)
Dishing out tiny plastic justice since 2012.
Seems innocent enough. Until you put Bane in this little chair and flip a switch turn a dial.
Can you smell what The Batman is cooking?
Now, clearly, no responsible toy maker is going to put an electric chair in a toy made for kids 3-8.
This is the actual product description:
Imagine …
… One of Gotham City’s biggest criminals, Bane, in Gotham City Jail, when, with the turn of a disk, he “powers up” and begins to glow! That can’t be good for Batman! Turn a figure on another disk and — jailbreak — Bane is free! Rotate the Bat-Signal to call Batman for help! It’s a whole new adventure every time you play! Includes Batman and Bane figures.
But if you think about it, and sadly, I am exactly the type of person who is going to think about it, this makes no sense.
Why would the people who built Gotham City Jail design the prison to include a device that would make a criminal stronger? And all you have to do to break out is turn a dial? Why even build a prison? Is Gotham City like Chicago, where fat, meaningless construction projects get doled out to friends?
A clearly anguished Batman hits the internet to research new incarceration techniques. #nofilter
This is clearly a cover story to make some people feel better about letting kids play with an electric chair. (These are the same kinds of people who drew penises into Disney cartoons.)
I do admire the writing. If by ‘power up’, they mean die from horrible, plastic, electric convulsions, then yes, Bane is ‘powering up.’
And it can’t be good for Batman? My three year-old just gave a small man the chair. That can’t be good for society. Or me. I’ve started sleeping with one eye open in case lil’ Dexter sneaks into my room at night.
That is actually a great idea for a kids’ book. Lil’ Dexter, a heart-warming tale of a small boy who tortures cats and burns ants with a magnifying glass. Pick me to write it, Showtime.
But I want points off the net, not profit. I know that scam.