Dear Steve Jobs,
There is a lot of time and energy spent analyzing what makes Apple successful. I figured it out. And I have to tell you, you’re disgusting.
Most people waste their breath gushing over your sense of design. Your friendly user interfaces. How easy your products are to use. Blah blah blah.
None of that is any accident. Because what you’re really doing is designing products that appeal to infants.
Hey. I’m in marketing. I get it. Trap those kids in the product cycle early, so that they’re consumers for life. College students are one thing, Steve.
But babies? Seriously? WTF?
You’re probably thinking, in your command bunker deep below the surface of the Earth, who is this nut and how can he be silenced?
Blame my kid for helping me figure out your evil machinations. I’ve seen the way he goes for anything with a lower case ‘i’ in its name. He’s constantly snatching the iPod. He’s obsessed with my iPad. We were at a barbecue on the Forth of July and he took some woman’s iPhone out of her hand and walked away with it, laughing.
It was chilling.
And don’t even bother giving me this, “Your kid could just like screens that light up” bullshit, because let me tell you something: he could give a crap about our Blackberries. I’ve actually seen him sneer at them.
I don’t know what you’re doing, exactly, out in Cupertino. Conducting little baby focus groups. Scanning baby brains with some sort of mind reading device to see when those little lizard neurons light up when you put a new device in front of them. Wiring up infants with diodes and electrodes. Cloning babies and disecting their brains. Whatever.
It needs to stop. And it needs to stop now. Because the last thing we need is you figuring out a way to market to fetuses.
And you, my loyal audience reading this. The next time you see a video like the one below, don’t laugh. Don’t pass it along to your friends. Don’t “like” it on Facebook.
Call the CIA or FBI or police or local constable or someone. Because it isn’t funny. It’s part of some twisted master plan involving child experimentation.
Alan Kercinik is a marketing type/dad who, right now, is probably hanging out with his wife, walking the dog, reading, listening to music, ranting about some movie or television show, toiling away on a novel or telling his son not to climb on something. The opinions expressed on Always Jacked are his, but they are probably influenced by his wife.
